Good Ole Boy Medicine

With modern medicine making progress in leaps and bounds, and generally one step in front of the discovery of some new disease, or a super-bug. I was somewhat surprised when I met a “good ole boy” from the south who in this day and age has his own “down home” brand of medical treatments. These treatments are for various cuts, scrapes, wounds, sprains, dislocations of a body part, chemical burns or whatever mishap might occur while working in the trade of general contracting, and of course using power tools.

A brief description of a good ole boy” is a short, stocky, bearded guy who wears nothing but flannel or denim shirts with jeans and boots. He will always drive a pickup truck. He wears a baseball cap every waking hour and probably would wear one to bed if he could figure out how to have sex and sleep with it on. He is usually an outdoorsman extraordinaire who loves to hunt and fish.

My first clue to the fact that maybe I should run in the other direction rather than be-friend this person was when he told me men have bigger brains so thus are much smarter than women. So with that pearl of knowledge let’s see what other gem of wisdom part his lips.

After knowing him for some time, I was informed that a great first aid cure is to use normal table salt mixed with water to soak an affected area, like a cut or puncture and was a great way to stop bleeding. This particular mixture had no real recipe, just use warm water and pour in the salt until the mixture becomes cloudy. Place your paw (hand), foot, elbow, finger etc. in a cooking pot suitable for the size of the extremities or area involved. Large kitchen mixing bowls would work but I was informed that the water got colder faster using these items.

Rubber hammers/mallets work well when one dislocates a bone in a hand or foot, but first their must be a ritual of consuming three fingers in one quick swig of some alcoholic type beverage (Brandy or Whiskey) ranging in proof from 80 to 100%... for medicinal purposes only. This is called pain
management before proceeding. First the ligaments would be massaged on the affected extremity, properly place the hand/foot on a kitchen countertop
or picnic table, and give a hard whack with the rubber mallet. This was followed by a loud barrage of rebel yells, curse words, and “guttural sounds!” After the dislocated area was returned to its proper alignment, a tree twig, piece of cardboard, popsicle stick, or wooden shims secured with some duct tape/black electrical tape could be used to immobilize the area for a few days to enhance healing.

Deep cuts after being cleansed with the salt water technique are held together to make the open skin meet if possible, if not macerated, and a piece of duct tape is stretched over the area to seal it tight. Approximately three to four days later this tape is removed possibly sooner if a red mark is starting to run up your arm or leg, indicating a major infection.

Brown spots (or better known as liver spots) can be removed from your face, head, or extremities by applying duct tape and securing tightly by rubbing the area to make sure no ends are loose. Leave on affected area approximately one week before not so gently ripping tape from applied sections. If the first treatment is not successful, then just repeat process. Try to avoid areas with hair follicles to lessen the pain involved in this process.

Chemical burns on a lower extremity of your body are best treated by filling the bath tub with ice cubes and cold water. Before immersing your body in the water, place a fur hat (rabbit, raccoon etc.) on your head to help keep some heat in your body. Immerse yourself up to waist level in the ice cold water, sitting there until your teeth chatter and you have no feeling left at all in most portions of your submerged body.

A frantic message had been left on my cell phone for me to please come over quick because he had spilled some tinctured alcohol on his jeans and had been stuck in traffic for over an hour, causing a bad burn. When I arrived very concerned as to what his status was and how big/bad this burn could possibly be, one can only imagine how hard it was for me to maintain my composure when I walked up to that bathroom door witnessing this scenario as described. When I realized the area involved was approximately 4 cm X 4 cm’s on the outside of his ® thigh, I knew in my infinite wisdom that an ice pack would have worked just fine.

Often when being out and about he was always willing to share his emergency medical procedures to anyone who would listen. While giving reassurance that these techniques will save the person a bunch of money on medical bills, but of course with no guarantee of what their outcome might be. Facial expressions on the recipients who heard this information summed up their thoughts on the subject.

Maybe some consideration should be given to these unconventional medical practices that the “good ole boy” claims work wonders. This might be the resolution for all those individuals who do not have health insurance, and help end the mounting health care cost dilemma this country faces today, saving millions of dollars with fewer visits to emergency rooms at hospitals.