The Test

After a hundred-mile-flight, I came to a familiar place for unfamiliar test. Long before I arrived, I had thought this moment to be life changing after the four-year nursing education I invested. I could hardly bear the nostalgia but I needed to focus and prepare for the board exam. My heart was pounding relentlessly as my temple was envisioning the blurry aftermath and possibilities.

The weather was crisp, cool yet sunny. The place was serene and out of the nuisance of traffic noise and pollution. It was an unforeseen sign contrary to my presumptions. My rambling thoughts were not understandable. I could not have recalled the Parkland’s formula, seemed like everything I learned was enthralled by the spell of tip-of-the-tongue phenomenon. The mood was surreal and I tried to jettison my anxiety somehow. I constantly had been praying to defy my nervousness. When proctors came in the room, I forcefully batten down the hatches. The plethora of euphoria kicked in through my nerves. I listened attentively to instruction. At the back of my mind, there must have no way to commit unreasonable mistakes; otherwise, everything would boil down to a depressing failure.

Reading anecdotal details and series of follow up questions between the lines was annoyingly challenging. After which, I scrutinized every option given to come up with the correct answers. Invigilating the time was a hurdle. Two hours per set of exam seemed not enough to finish it. No watches with us, no wall clock in the room, and we only had to lean our ears to the proctors when they updated us the time.

I marked my answers in the booklet and shaded the answer sheet cautiously to be free of any markings, not giving it to any chance of committing technical errors. Nevertheless, my co-examinees incrementally had started to submit their papers while I was still shading at number sixty (It is a hundred-item test on each set) until I was the only one left answering. My hands started to tremble and I could not almost hit the box finely with pencil. I was in number seventy-five and the proctor pronounced that no more than five minutes left. I panicked. There my legs were also shaking and the throbbing pain in my head was nearly intolerable. I wanted to give up and just shade randomly the rest of the items but I was afraid to take risks against the mysterious ravage and hastiness of the ticking clock. I flipped the last pages of the questionnaire and continued transferring my answers to the answer sheet albeit my hands were quivering. I prayed, holding on to the conviction that I can make it. Few minutes later, the proctor approached me to get my paper; I unbelievably was able to finish it. I sighed and took deep breaths of relief but still bothered.

It was bombastic. The last set was the Nursing Practice 5 and was the only less difficult and dangerous among the rest, methought. The context of the exam was more practical and analytical. Not Medical-Surgical-Nursing-concepts-filled like the approach of NCLEX (National Council Licensure Examination), an exam required to get licensed and legally practice nursing in America. It presented social issues; thus, asking the ethical standpoints of a professional nurse. Utterly surprising, considering the expectations I had during poignant review days. The perils of understanding the situations were much intensified noting the choices to be relatively close which lead me to get the best answer nearly impossible.

The test was over and yet the agony and qualm worsened as I looked forward for the press release of the result. The scenario when I went outside the testing building was a cocktail of hopes, frustrations, and worries. Some were wailing from their plaintive experience in the two-day, 500-item test. A classmate of mine literally got a nosebleed during the ordeal. Some were strutting along the hallway, smirking and telling a nuanced gesture of confidence that they would surely pass. Print ads and tarpaulins of review centers added the enigma. In spite of the breadth of diverse perceptions and reactions, we all longed the same outcome, to acquire the coveted license.

My mother (my first teacher/classmate) who also took the exam was seemingly unruffled. But I could sense, she was hiding the ambivalence, psychologically, reaction formation was there. Further, we had tried ourselves busy. She went back to work, as a Math teacher of our alma mater, which I thought, was ridiculous since she would be seeing her nursing students and there she would meet the people who had the knowledge that we both took the exam. The pressure must have been a torture. While waiting, I revived my spiritual life. I slept more or less eight hours a day regularly, ate healthy, exercised, went out with friends and read books. Seemed I was taking a vacation I had sought for long since the day I enrolled nursing. Inevitably, boredom sometime had attempted to conquer me but it did not succeed. Especially until the expected week of the release of result, I could not help thinking often about it. Expectations from neighbors, relatives and teachers were sky high.

Not so many days later, the big day came out of the blue. It was July twenty-fifth in the evening, when friends and I were on way home from attending a celebration of St. Santiago’s feast in Dapitan; I received a text message saying that my mom and I passed the board exam. I punctuate with varying degrees of emotions. I rushed through the internet and searched my name on the list as well as my mom’s. Eureka, it confirmed. Aided by the statistic, 32,617out of 77,901 hopefuls passed. I could not even utter a word to describe how I felt. I was enlightened and happy because I did it. However, I was partly sad for my friends and the rest of the 58.13 percent who did not make it. Tears filled their eyes while I remained curbed with my emotions. Mom showed me sublime smile, and I bet she felt the same way I did. God always knows what the best is for us, and I affirm to that. After all, life is a test and we need to trust Him.

Finally, I am one of the millions of Filipino registered nurses, unemployed and desperately struggling to get certification of experience from the exploitative trend of hospitals and other institutions. To date, I mightily prowl for job and remain open to take advantage of opportunities abroad, to go with the ebb and flow of “diaspora.” I never take it to forsake my country, but an open door to discover the chances of upgrading my profession regardless of geography. I never doubt to return to a land that gave birth to me, share the fortune and extend hands to my compatriots.

What an unfamiliar test it was, I anticipate another unfamiliar one. Nonetheless, I cannot refute what the moment suggests to celebrate and savor life for surviving an extraordinary test for a while.