I need to Vent (LONG)

Jun 17, 2007 07:46 PM

by JdNNurse2B

Now that I am a premium member. Hahaha. I need to vent. I have no where else to vent to.
I am a newly wed. I've been married for 7 weeks now. I've been with my husband for almost 9 years. He is Vietnamese. 1st Generation. I am African American, Irish, German, Dutch, and Italian.
Anyhow, my husband came home today to tell me that he and his dad had a long talk about me today. I am at home b/c I have very bad headache that I have had for 17 days now. My doctor ordered me to stay home in my dark bedroom and do nothing. So apparently that outcomes of the converstaion were

when I say Mom and Dad I am referring to hubby's parents.)
1. Mom and Dad don't NOT like me. (for 9 years I've thought they hated me)
2. Mom and Dad think that I don't like them b/c I didn't show up today.
3. Mom is worried for husband because she thinks I am too unhealthy for hime. (I am overwieght, have a history of knee problems and now my headaches) and is afraid that I am going to die and leave him lonely.
4. Mom and Dad were happy and proud of me that I lost weight a few years ago.
5. Mom and Dad are now disappointed that I gained it all back as a result of a knee injury that had me bed ridden and inactive for several months.
6. Mom and Dad think I am a good person b/c I am bettering myself by wanting to become a nurse.
7. Mom is afraid/worried for hubby and I that we are going to be poor for the next year and won't be able to pay our bills.
8. Mom also doesn't know if I will be able to be a nurse or even a good nurse b/c of my knee and weight.

I'm blown away. I don't know what to think/say to all of this. Part of me is relieved that they don't hate me and that they think I am a good person. But I am so saddened at the other things mom has to say about me. In general I am a healthy person for being overweight. I have no cholesterol, sugar, heart, breathing problems. My knee hasn't given me any major problems. (a little pain when i am too too active. ) I am trying to lose weight again for several reasons. It just takes time to do it the healthy way. As far as nursing and money goes for the next year, we took out a loan to cover everything. We consider it an investment and have no doubt that we will be fine.
I'm just hurt. I feel like I will never be able to prove myself to my mother in law unless I am super skinny, have a sqeaky clean bill of health, and am wealthy.
I guess right now my plan is to work harder at this weight loss thing. And anytime I am feeling ill and have to be around my inlaws, is to use those acting skills from highschool and act like ia m perfectly fine.

DutchgirlRN · Jun 17, 2007, 09:56 PM

Re: I need to Vent (LONG)

I'm blown away. I don't know what to think/say to all of this. Part of me is relieved that they don't hate me and that they think I am a good person. But I am so saddened at the other things mom has to say about me. In general I am a healthy person for being overweight. I have no cholesterol, sugar, heart, breathing problems. My knee hasn't given me any major problems. (a little pain when i am too too active. ) I am trying to lose weight again for several reasons. It just takes time to do it the healthy way. As far as nursing and money goes for the next year, we took out a loan to cover everything. We consider it an investment and have no doubt that we will be fine.
I'm just hurt. I feel like I will never be able to prove myself to my mother in law unless I am super skinny, have a sqeaky clean bill of health, and am wealthy.
I guess right now my plan is to work harder at this weight loss thing. And anytime I am feeling ill and have to be around my inlaws, is to use those acting skills from highschool and act like ia m perfectly fine.

Firstly...I'm sorry about your headache. I can't imagine. Secondly...Since you are a newlywed there are several things that your husband needs to set straight with his parents. The two of you are now married and are adults responsible for yourselves and your first responsibilities are to each other. Your husband needs to tell his parents that what you decide to do with your money in regards to school is your business and that your health and weight is not an issue between the two of you and it doesn't need to concern them. I feel like your husband should not have come home and told you this whole list of things. His number one concern needs to be you and if telling you those things hurts then he should have kept them to himself. I have the mother-in-law from h***. She almost broke up our marriage until I made it clear to her that she was to stay out of my business. My husband would not speak up so I had to. Life has been much better over the past 15 or so years. My husband has since learned to speak up to his parents and to make me his number one priority when speaking with them. You will lose weight when you are ready. The only way to do it is to do it the right way. Eat less, exercise, even if it takes a long time. You didn't put it on overnight.

TazziRN · Jun 17, 2007, 11:29 PM

Re: I need to Vent (LONG)

When I read your list I thought you were talking about my mother!!!!

I'm sorry that you're going through this but I can say with utmost confidence that the way your in-laws are acting is because of their Asian culture. They are pre-occupied with health and wealth because that is what's all-important to Asians. Please do not take offense at what they say, because if they didn't like you, they wouldn't be worried about you. I have been married for 9 years to a financial whiz and are very well off compared to so many of our peers, yet my mother is still freaked out that we do not have enough money. My father and I are overweight and she is always worried that we are going to die tomorrow because of it. Whenever we have a family dinner and my mother cooks, we are between a rock and a hard place because 1) if we leave nothing on the table we are still hungry or 2) if we don't have generous helpings of everything she did something wrong in the cooking or 3) if one member of the extended family doesn't show up two or more times in a row, that person must be mad at her for something.

PLEASE don't be hurt, but actually be flattered that they care enough about you to feel this way. I know, it's weird, but believe me it's normal for Asians raised outside the US!!!

JdNNurse2B · Jun 17, 2007, 11:45 PM

Re: I need to Vent (LONG)

Thanks for the replies guys.
I have dealt with thier feelings on and off for nearly 9 years now. I have come to realize that there are soem things I cannot change about them. My husband and I have talked several times about it. I know that he married me because of who I am. And that he loves me for me.
We have gotten through this before. We will get through this again. We are confident in ourselves and our capabilities. I just needed to vent. And i am glad you all were here.

*nursemary9* · Jun 18, 2007, 03:08 AM

Re: I need to Vent (LONG)

Hi

I'm Mary Ann.

WElcome to this group.

I'm so sorry about your Headache--I've had BAD headache's in the past & it's the PITS!!

Congratulations on your marriage.
Your husband will hopefully learn that you two are a family & what goes on the family, stays right there.

That's one of the first things DH & I discussed-----mainly because of his Mother. She NEVER really liked me; my Mom & Dad were just as bad, but in the opposite way---they adored DH and we would have been smothered!!

I hope he will realize what a great girl he has and that he needs to put you WAY ahead of anyone.

In the first years of our marriage, there were many things we had to miss because I would be working. DH never went without me---when questioned by his Mom why he didn't just come alone, he made it very clear---"I don't go anywhere without my wife!!"
Even tho I didn't necessarily agree with that, I was SO PROUD of him!!
We are now married 34 yrs & to this day, he puts me as #1!!!
And to reverse that--he is #1 to me!!
We are our own little family.

I wish your husband had not shared that hurtful info with you---maybe in time he will learn to spare you that type of info.

The other thing is that you need to accept yourself; are you happy with your weight?? If you want to lose weight----GREAT!! But, do it for yourself----not for others.

They need to accept & like you the person----not the image of a skinny person. Do you get that??

You need to be you. What you look like is irrelevant. If they don't like that, so be it.

Be true to yourself;
Good Luck

NursesRmofun · Jun 20, 2007, 12:20 AM

Re: I need to Vent (LONG)

Well, I think you have to talk to your busband and let him know IF you don't want to be talked about like you are some problem or something. I'd be upset, to say the least. Not sure how it made you feel totally, but it seems they think they are the judge and jury. Anyway, it seems to me you know what you want and need to do and are working on it. It's pretty rare to have good health all the time. You can't help your headaches. Seems they are a little over the top....

*canoehead* · Jun 20, 2007, 12:38 AM

Re: I need to Vent (LONG)

I think the fact you have been sick makes it even harder for you to deal with all this pressure. I wish they would lay off entirely until you get back on your feet.

People make choices about money so they can better themselves, just as you have. Unless you are Paris Hilton there will always be money issues, so unless you are racking up the credit card just cross it off your list of troubles. Be responsible and wise, that's all they can ask.

Weight wise- the weight does not make the woman. You can lose, you can exercise, but all the while remember it is possible to be fat and fit at the same time. You are looking for improvement, not perfection. Hell, if you manage to stop gaining you are doing better than 75% of us.

I would ask your husband to make sure that even though he is obligated to listen to his parents concerns (once) he shouldn't talk about you. Better yet, they should be encouraged to step back and let you both manage your lives as you see fit. They sound supportive in spirit, I'm sure that if you need advice you can ask them.

*oramar* · Jun 20, 2007, 10:21 AM

Re: I need to Vent (LONG)

Sounds like typical in-law situation. Won't even call it a problem it is so typical. You can't can't control them and what they think but you can make an effort to keep it from getting under your skin.

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I need to Vent (LONG)

I need to Vent (LONG)

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