OK, Kill Him Or Let Him Live?

Let him live. My husband recently started smoking again after 5 years smoke free. He knows how I feel about it and I know he will stop again. I wish you all health and happiness...

sorry ngelfire (the___ on the keybord isn't working), but ultimtums cn never be good.

if i ws given the choice of "kill him" vs "let him live", but knowing the "let him live" cme with other conditions, i'd likely sy "kill me".
i need to know i'm living freely, openly, contentedly.
if my hubs imposed either/or situtions...well, he knows how tht worked out.
we've been 'this' close to splitsville more thn once...over these very type of issues, i.e., 'my wy or the highwy'.

re dipping, me thinks you're being too rigid.

don't remember who suggested it, but counseling sounds like good ide.
certinly cn't hurt.

leslie

Why Ultimatums Rarely Work in Relationships

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/135
No Ultimatums
You do not put your marriage on the line over day-to-day issues or disagreements. Your marriage is above all that. That means no ultimatums. Relationships are negotiations, and when you throw out ultimatums, negotiations have stopped. When negotiations stop, relationships break down, people get hurt, they make irrational decisions and you wind up with both of you not having what you want.


http://ezinearticles.com/?Relationsh...ship&id=707879


“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.” -Robert Anderson
Do you know how sometimes you are so frustrated with a situation that you feel you cannot put up with it any longer? At times like this, it might be tempting to give your spouse an ultimatum. Is this the answer to your problem?
“It’s Me or the Cat!”
Jenny liked cats well enough, but she would never describe herself as a “cat person”. Craig, on the other hand, was crazy about his cat, Tiger. The problem was that Tiger ruled the house. He sat on the counters, slept on the bed, and clawed the furniture.
This starting driving Jenny insane! Finally, Jenny told Craig, “If this cat is not gone by the end of the week, then I am leaving and I won’t be back. It is either me or that cat!”
Even though Jenny had some legitimate complaints about the cat, an ultimatum is rarely the best way to deal with conflict. . . . . .





steph

ok, i'm at my other son's keyboard...so much nicer when all letters are available.
and will be even nicer when my battery arrives, and can go back to my laptop...oy.

anyways, angel, how do you think you'd respond if dh commanded you to avoid ALL mountain dew and tomato sauce?
(actually, i know you'd tell him to pound sand.)
what would you truly do if he refused to stop dipping?

....you know what?
it just dawned on me that:
- i've been through what you're going through.
you've shared sev'l of your issues here on the bb, and i can relate to much of what you post.
the situations are different, but the dynamics betw man/wife are very familiar.
i'm pretty sure that there are many couples who either are experiencing the same, or have done so already.
and so, i'm not as convinced that you would appreciate anything us old-timers have to share w/you.

i am now realizing that maybe all happy, long-term marriages occur as a result of finally accepting your spouse for who s/he is...
that experience has taught you what works and what doesn't.
that you have made that leap to actually liking your spouse, and you can even let the minor, obnoxious acts, roll off your back.
and you often look at your husband starry-eyed, so very appreciative of all he has done for you over the years-
and at that very moment, you look at him totally overcome in love- this once-resented-person is now your hero!!
happily, there are a few of those "moments" scattered throughout the years,
even more if you're lucky.

so maybe i'll just let you vent.
you guys have your own journey to go on, and excellent chance you will end up much, much happier and accepting.
it's all about giving love and time a chance.

so sorry for babbling.
i've been experiencing allnurse's anxiety syndrome.
deprivation does that to you.

leslie

Took me awhile to get there too . . . but you are right.

I'm sure my husband could share with you all many things about me that bug the snot out of him and yes, we had stormy times.

You cannot change another person. Just ain't possible.

Counseling helped us.

steph

My husband has never used snuff or chewing tobacco but he was a very very heavy cigarette, pipe and cigar smoker from grad school until we announced our engagement. He kept promising to quit but it never quite happened and when a local supermarket went out of business, I bought every single solitary pack of cigarettes they had in every brand they had, all their cigars plus some pipe tobacco pouches. I dropped my
"presents" off (Thursday night) and said I'd see him Sunday afternoon. About 10 am Sunday, my phone rang and this s-a-d hoarse little voice croaked, "I don't feel good at all. Could we reschedule?" That darned fool had smoked every single thing! That was the end of his smoking and it has been nearly 25 years.

On the subject of the lying, I know about that too. My husband and I grew up very differently. We were both unexpected but I was a welcome surprise and he was a shock and never allowed to forget that he was totally unwanted. He was frequently put into a position of having to lie to give the answer his parents wanted or be severely beaten. About four years ago, he began lying about absolutely dumb stupid things that were, for the most part, unimportant. It absolutely drove me NUTS! Finally, I told him if he didn't get some psych help, I'd leave him. He always denied the lies. I called and made him an appointment with a psychiatrist, told him he would darned (or something) well go and would he like me to go with him as moral support? He went!

Eventually, after many sessions, he was diagnosed with OCD which explained the anxiety attacks he had experienced since childhood. He presently takes Buspar and
Zoloft which keep him on an even keel. His psychiatrist feels both the lying and the OCD stem from how he was treated as a baby, toddler, child and young adult. He has an extra Buspar per day ordered to take prn if either he or I feel he needs it, which also helps. The lying has almost completely disappeared with the meds and counseling regime but it was frustrating and difficult getting to this point. But, it was worth it to save our marriage.

Hugs,

Kathy
sharpeimom

His shrink said many habitual (his word) liars have OCD or at least some OCD-like tendencies that are never properly diagnosed unless depression, crippling anxiety or something is diagnosed first. As a former psych nurse and supervisor, I had thought I knew quite a bit about OCD, but now, I know about it from a totally new perspective and I wish I didn't, but I do. I frequently remind him I will never hit, bite or push him -- all of which were done to him as a child. The doctor also said many people (mostly men) who are unwilling to give up all tobacco usage, often have OCD or another anxiety disorder which is sometimes accompanied by lying when they feel threatened or that they've lost control.

If you went too, would he go to counseling?

Kathy
sharpeimom