OK, Kill Him Or Let Him Live?

My husband used Copenhagen when we first got married. He put it under his top lip - he doesn't have to spit that way. No spit cups.

He quit for 5 years but had a friend offer him some during a stressful day and he started back up.

I'm not happy about it - but there is nothing I can do to make him stop. He has to want to stop. I backed off completely.

The spit cups would be the end of me . . . tell your dh to put it under his top lip and don't spit.

Then brush his teeth and use mouthwash if he wants to kiss you.

There is nothing you can do about this - and it isn't a deal breaker for a marriage.

Just make sure you get some good life iinsurance.


steph

To me this seems like more of an issue of respect than his bad habit. He sounds like he's being passive-aggressive, angry with you for "making" him quit smoking and he is doing something harmful to his body, something you don't like, to get back at you.

I agree with Steph that his habit is not necessarily a deal-breaker, but the lack of respect---and the fact that he said he he quit when he "loved" you---past tense---that would be a deal-breaker for me.

Would he agree to counseling?

I think a person can get boxed into a corner when nagged and it can start to feel like all you want to do is avoid the person and it can feel like you don't love them. The tension in the home can be monumental.

I agree that counseling is a good place to start. Love is a bumpy road - You may have to start with forgiving each other.


steph

my laptop battery is kaput, so i'm w/o a computer and am sneaking on my son's right now...
so don't have much time to hang out.

my only thought right now, is my hubby really REALLY pressured/demanded me to tend to a couple of things that were bothering him.
i mean, i was pushed against a wall, his demands were such.
this was yrs ago, and one demand was to quit smoking.

my point is, his approach was soooo overbearing that i had 2 choices:
i could respond to his interrogations truthfully and listen to a whole lot more of threats, demands and sooo much drama/angst.
or, i could lie.
and a few times i lied, got caught, then listened to more of his bs.
i told him that if i felt i could be truthful with him (w/o him blowing up), i would be truthful:
but as long as he continued to bully me, i would continue to lie and told him i would continue to lie.
now we're excellent together, but it was a journey to get there.

angel, i know you're upset that he lied.
but you can't get anyone to change, unless it is THEIR choice.
he needs to be able to make his own decisions, with accommodations of course.
but he is an adult and should be able to smoke if he wants to.
as long as you don't have to smell or inhale any of it, then how would it affect you?

if i have time (and a computer), i'll give more thought to your dilemma.
but did want to share with you, my initial thoughts, which revolved around the way couples communicate with ea other.
it can't be healthy when one resorts to lying r/t the other partner sounding/being so threatening.
i am saying that generally speaking angel.
i was thinking of my own situation.

i hope both of you can work this out.

leslie

Steph and Leslie make excellent points.

I guess I am also speaking out of experience because my first husband was very controlling and, in order to keep some semblance of sanity during the marriage, I became passive-aggressive. We went for years in a very unhappy, dysfunctional pattern. The love and respect I felt for him had been steadily chipped away by the little hurts until one day I could not take it anymore. He had hurt me in so many ways---including one incident that to me was a betrayal even worse than infidelity. Even after that, however, I tried to keep things together until finally, one day, I realized that the love and respect had been eroded away and there was nothing left.

I think both my ex-husband and I were guilty of trying to change each other. He wanted to mold me into his ideal of the perfect wife, one who would not make demands and do everything his way. He was was an intelligent, accomplished man who was socially awkward desperately wanted a wife to make his life "complete". I picked up on his loneliness and wanted to "fix" his problems and make him happy. I was pretty desperate at the time, too, and ignored many of the red flags that popped up during our relationship that should have alerted me to the fact that it was not healthy and that we were not right for each other.

Sometimes, especially in relationships, you want something so much that you will overlook red flags, gut level feelings and even deal-breakers. You want it so badly you put yourself on hold, even lose yourself, because you don't know who you are without that relationship.

My second marriage is so much better. Ironically, I met someone who had pretty similar emotional baggage to mine; my husband's first marriage was to a woman who was very controlling and he, too, became passive-aggressive. He was very clear in the beginning of our relationship that he was not interested in a woman who wanted to change him. Nor was he interested in trying to change a woman. Before we met, we both dated people who were a little like our former spouses---I guess we had to get that dysfunctional pattern out of our systems before we could get into anything healthy. While our relationship is not perfect, there are still no deal-breakers, no erosion of the basic foundations of mutual love and respect. I can honestly say this man is my best friend and life companion, even though there are times when we annoy each other.

Regarding deal-breakers, I once read in a relationship book about a man who wanted to divorce his wife because she gained weight. Now, my first reaction to that was "That guy is a pig!" But in reading further, it turned out that the man placed tremendous emphasis on physical fitness. When he and his wife were dating, they used to play tennis, run marathons, go swimming and she no longer wanted to participate in physical activity. A common interest that was the foundation of THEIR relationship had disappeared. Again, it might be tempting to tell the man to grow up and be there for his wife, but he felt that her weight gain and physical inactivity (which had no medical cause) were betrayals of their relationship. For him, they were deal-breakers. It might seem that the man chose to end his marriage over something that was trivial. Yet, for him it was important and he no longer felt loved by his wife. He felt she had changed the rules and thus changed the relationship. My point is, no matter how insignificant a deal-breaker may seem to someone else, for each person it's different. One person might be able to overlook, say, smoking while to another it is a deal-breaker. I'm not saying anyone is right or anyone is wrong. It's all a matter of individual importance.

Angel, it really is up to you to figure out if this is worth jeopardizing your marriage. Maybe it is, maybe it is not. It is not up to anyone but you and your husband to decide if this is a trivial or serious matter, if it's only about his use of tobacco or if it's indicative of control issues or a betrayal of your relationship. Whatever happens, please take care. :icon_hug:

Excellent advice from Moogie!

Only you can decide. And I totally understand your situation re the smoking, I also am allegic to any smoking, even the smell makes me ill.

Wishing you all the best ((((hug)))