Family Member is an Addict

multicollinearity · Dec 30, 2009 11:12 PM

I'm using the anonymity of allnurses to talk about something difficult. While visiting family over Christmas, I learned that a close family member is an addict. He is addicted to dilaudid. I don't know the details. I just know he is older, his dose is high, and this is getting into dangerous territory. His wife told me it is like living with an alcoholic. I told her I would certainly understand if she left him. He has a history of being selfish and difficult. He abused alcohol years ago.

I don't know precisely what I'm looking for here - I'm just shocked. I'm disgusted with him, and don't want to help him in any way. He's in his 60s. He's made so many poor choices, and now this. He had a chance at a decent life in his older years, and now he does this. I am simply disgusted. And worried about how bad this will get. His wife is afraid his doc(s?) will cut him off and he'll try to get it off the street.

I just feel shocked that this is happening in my family. And disgusted. I refuse to do anything except tell him to see his doc and ask for a referral to a rehab facility. I know I have a low tolerance and understanding level for addicts. And now I've got one in the family. Amazing. Simply amazing (to me). I can be understanding towards patients (i.e. addiction is a disease, etc), but when it happens in my own family, I can't be so understanding right now.

No. 1 · Dec 31, 2009, 02:38 AM

Where is he getting enough dilaudid to get high? (More than one doc?). Why is he on it?

I admittedly have a bias against drug addicts and it is even harder when the person has a history of not being a very nice person.

YOU can't change anything - all you can do is offer, as you said, the advise to talk to his physician and ask about rehab.

Maybe hook his wife up with Al-Anon or just get her some info on it.

It is hard. Very hard.

Don't even think of beating yourself up for being disgusted though.

(((multicollinearity))))

steph

No. 2 · Dec 31, 2009, 06:50 AM

It's hard not to be disgusted with the person, but I'm sure he's didn't wake up one day and say "gee I think I'll be a dilaudid addict". It's hard to look at outward behavior and not angry and hurt. That's understandable.

Really not much you can do but be there for the wife. It's kind of like watching a train about to crash, you know it's going to happen and that it's going to be bad, but you can't stop it.

Hugs.

No. 3 · Dec 31, 2009, 10:42 AM

Thank you both for your replies. I'm going to stop feeling like crud for feeling disgusted. I feel what I feel.

Think I'm about to see a trainwreck - yes Tweets. Perfect description.

No. 4 · Dec 31, 2009, 11:22 AM

I'm sorry but this is a member of your family. Why are you so judgemental?

He needs help and support, as well as your aunt. I'm not saying a crutch but true professional help. I understand being shocked and disgusted that it happened in YOUR family but this happens in all types of families. You can't do much alone or change him, but try to offer support and guidance to an organization who can!

Remember the golden rule.....Lots of hugs and prayers to all of you!!!

No. 5 · Dec 31, 2009, 11:41 AM

Originally Posted by PurpleLVN

I'm sorry but this is a member of your family. Why are you so judgemental? He needs help and support, as well as your aunt. I'm not saying a crutch but true professional help. I understand being shocked and disgusted that it happened in YOUR family but this happens in all types of families. You can't do much alone or change him, but try to offer support and guidance to an organization who can!

Remember the golden rule.....Lots of hugs and prayers to all of you!!!

On the other hand, people around an active addict have a right to their feelings, too ... and are not obligated to rush to the rescue of the addicted person ... leading a horse to water and all that.

Remember, although we say "judgemental" as though it was a bad thing, that judgement is also the difference between grown-ups and kids.

Shock and disgust one of many normal reactions to a situation like this and shielding the addict from the consequences of his behavior is not helpful.

Agree with Tweety ... OP should be there for the wife and hope the addict has the insight to seek help.

No. 6 · Dec 31, 2009, 12:59 PM

((((multi)))) Be careful also, because a personality like this can end up splitting families and causing a lot of hurt feelings and bitterness. Don't get sucked into "sides," don't say anything negative about him to other family members, etc. Just stay as neutral as you can and lend compassionate support to your aunt.

No. 7 · Jan 01, 2010, 09:48 PM

(((multi))) God, is it ever hard. Been there. Hang in there.

No. 8 · Jan 02, 2010, 03:26 AM

My father is an addict. Actually, most of my family is addicts. I have never condoned his behavior, or been "easier" on him because of it being a disease.
You are not required to be sympathetic and your feelings are your right and you are completely entitled to them.
As this is really his problem, he is the one who has to admit it, and he's the one who has to seek help. All you can be is supportive of his wife.

No. 9 · Jan 03, 2010, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by NickiLaughs

As this is really his problem, he is the one who has to admit it, and he's the one who has to seek help. All you can be is supportive of his wife.

i see this differently than you, nicki.
living with an addict, is everyone's problem, as it affects all who live with him, or are close to him.

i would be supporting the wife as well, encouraging her to go to al-anon or to seek counseling...
anything to support her without enabling the addict.

me?
i do not feel compassion towards active addicts...at all.
whether i 'should' or shouldn't, is moot.
my feelings are what they are.

only when we can be truthful with ourselves, can we be honest about the entire situation.

if able, i might even encourage the wife to call his pcp, sharing her concerns and suggesting rehab and/or pain specialist.
but if she doesn't want to rock the boat, this is their battle, and all you can do is support her from a distance.

i too, have experience with family members who are addicts.
the best thing i ever did, was to remove myself from their drama.

prayers and many hugs, sweetie.

leslie

Family Member is an Addict

Family Member is an Addict

World News & Politics

RIP, Peter Graves

The Cost of Failure to Enact Health Reform

Poor treatment of employees comes back to haunt business

Clarence Thomas' wife forms tea party group

You know the legislature really works with judges....

Catholic Hospital Group Accepts Abortion Language in Reform...

A realistic look at the President

Senator Wagstaff (I-Freedonia) Explains Opposition to...

Pro-life educator supports health care bill.

The nanny state is arriving

General Articles

Spring Break, a Mothers Perspective

The Magic of Kleenex

Learning What It Means To Be Deaf

Good Ole Boy Medicine

Creating Documents to Promote Patient & Family Guidance: A...

I'm not to old to miss a conspiracy

Watching Fox AND not vaccinating?! Who am I?

Dai Bao's slim fit theory

If I could see you one last time... This is what I would...

Ninety-nine Percent Spirit

Tagged Topics